Just Ask a Part

I’m continually amazed by the elegance of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) Model. I had decades of experience with various other therapeutic models as a client and later as a therapist, before becoming a certified life and wellness coach and learning the IFS Model. Back then, I often found myself stymied by the inner workings of my own as well as therapy clients’ psyches. I recall many sessions with therapy clients during which I tried, with great effort, to figure out how best to help them, and the same effortful quality often characterized my own inner work.

I first began learning the IFS Model in early 2007 and have since attended all three levels of professional training as well as workshops and conferences. I keep coming back to the simple yet miraculous truth that if I want to know what a part (aka aspect or subpersonality) thinks, feels, or needs, I simply have to ask. Parts want us to know about their experience—they’re often downright eager to share with us once they know they have our attention. Witnessing is universally healing, whether it’s the witnessing one person can offer another or the witnessing our Self can offer a part. If a part isn’t willing to share, it’s generally because a measure of trust is lacking that needs to be established or repaired. Once that happens and the part trusts that Self will listen respectfully and respond appropriately, it’ll speak its mind. It’s really that simple.

Not long before I wrote this article back in 2010, I had a part show up that would have been quite troubling to me five or ten years earlier. I would have agonized over the meaning of that part’s appearance, and I would have started doubting my commitment to the people and things that are the foundation of my life. Instead of allowing self-doubt to grow and undermine my groundedness, I stopped what I was doing, sat still for a few minutes, and got in touch with the “troublesome” part. It took all of five minutes to contact it and give it an opportunity to share its concern. Remembering that parts always hold positive intent at their core, I stayed with the part until it generously revealed its concern.

It turned out that the part was holding an outdated view of me and, based on that view, was trying to protect me from a situation it thought I couldn’t handle. When I updated it about my current age and capacities, it relaxed, relieved to know I was no longer in danger in the ways I had been when younger. I thanked the part for looking out for my well-being. It relaxed as it soaked in my appreciation of its concern for me.

A very elegant model indeed.

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