Positive Intent

Internal Family Systems is one of the main pillars of my life coaching and wellness coaching. It’s a deeply empowering approach to exploring and moving through obstacles. IFS recognizes that our psyches are comprised of different aspects (also called parts or subpersonalities). One of the foundations of the IFS Model is the conviction that all aspects of a person, regardless of how extreme they may be feeling or behaving, hold positive intent at their core.

I had a wonderful opportunity back in 2010 to remember about positive intent. At the time, my relationship with my spouse was new, and I had a part come up that was having a hard time relaxing and settling in to a sense of comfort and nurturing.

When I first became aware of this part, I also noticed another part that was judging this unsettled part, as if to say, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just relax? Why do you have to always be causing problems?”

Knowing what I do about how to work with parts, I asked the judging part if it could step back and give me an opportunity to get to know the unsettled part. It agreed.

I then gave clear attention to the unsettled part and asked what its concerns were. It shared that it had concerns about equality in my new relationship. In my mind’s eye, this part flashed a few scenes of inequality and strife between my parents when I was a preteen. At that time, this part took on the belief that intimate relationships are dangerous territory because one person always has power over the other person. This unsettled part, it turns out, is very fierce about wanting an equal relationship, and over the years it grew vigilant in its quest for that.

When I quieted my mind and centered myself, I was able to see this unsettled part’s positive intent instead of only seeing the obstacle it originally presented. I thanked the part and felt the goodness of the equality it values so deeply.

The next morning, I shared my inner exploration with my new partner, and we had a wonderful conversation about equality. Bringing the insight that emerged from my inner work to the relationship served to “update” my unsettled part by helping it see that this new person in my life wasn’t like my parents. They have much greater access to Self and share my commitment to having an equal relationship.

Although I’ve been involved with IFS for many years, I continue to be amazed by the fruits of the work. Remembering that all parts hold positive intent, and being open to discovering it, brings a sense of calm and reconnects me with my deeply held values.

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