Losing and Finding My Father

Seasons of Grief, Healing and Forgiveness

“The paths people choose on their road to recovery are unique. The weekend I read this book my husband and I were hiking in very steep, rocky, difficult terrain. It occurred to me that Kira’s eloquent description of her healing journey sounded very much like my experience on the mountain. Losing and finding my father is real, honest, inspiring. It is a well written account of one women’s courageous journey to emotional and spiritual freedom.
     “I highly recommend this book to therapists interested in learning to trust the inner wisdom of their clients. Also it will be a wonderful resource for anyone on a conscious road to recovery.”

—Toni Herbine-Blank, IFS Senior Trainer, developer of Intimacy from the Inside Out

“Kira Freed offers the reader the possibility of true healing in her book Losing and Finding my Father. As she bravely reveals the wounds parts of her took on with her father’s abuse and emotional neglect, she also shows how to unburden traumatized parts of ourselves from the past by sharing her own personal journey of recovery. Kira reveals that as she lets go of hurt and resentment towards her father, she is enabled to become more open hearted and compassionate towards him in an authentic way. Her journey toward forgiveness offers hope to anyone who has survived abuse, neglect and mistreatment.
     “As a therapist who works with trauma, I would recommend this book to anyone interested in learning about new possibilities for healing. In addition to sharing her story, Kira also provides the reader with extensive array of healing tools and resources, which allow for embracing the aspects/parts of ourselves that hold the emotions of the past. She shares with the reader the pathway towards a new freedom to be her true self, and to be able to be open and share herself in a loving relationship.”

—Mary Kruger,  LMFT, IFS Senior Trainer

“Kira gave me a copy of this book as a gift; honestly, I felt somewhat obliged to read it at first rather than gifted. But that changed within a few pages. Why? Because this story could have so been written from a “victim” perspective. But it’s not a grievance story at all. Every place where Kira could have complained about a challenge, she reveals blessings rather than burdens. And does so in a visceral, grounded way.
     “So as a reader with a sometimes difficult relationship with my own deceased father, I found myself not only lovingly carried along in the flow of Kira’s journey, but also healed. I could see my father in a new way, with a more generous perspective…and that shift has been maintained, actually, a month after finishing Kira’s work. Last week, for example, on an air flight I could connect with my own Dad’s love of flying in a way I probably wouldn’t have before the book–just feeling close to him as the plane rose into the air, and recalling times when he’d taken me flying with an unambiguous sense of love and gratitude.
     “It helps, of course, that Kira’s a gifted writer. She connects words in a way that’s engaging, clear, and well-paced. Her story was a page-turner…I wanted to see what the next page would bring almost all the way through it. Except, of course, I didn’t quite want it to end, either!
     “As an added bonus, Kira describes some of the tools that helped her heal in detail, so you can apply some of the practices yourself.”

—Mark Hurwich, MBA, IFS Certified Practitioner

“Kira Freed’s Losing and Finding My Father is a beautifully written gem of a book, especially for those seeking to work with ambivalent feelings toward a parent, particularly an abusive parent. It is a deep exploration of Kira’s reactions to her father’s life and death. Kira asked if I would review her book, and after receiving a free review copy, I dove in. I chose to read this book slowly, for it both opens a window into Kira’s process and invites the reader’s self exploration. I wanted to give space to Kira’s insightful exploration of her complicated relationship with her father and also allow room for my own reactions.
Kira brings the reader through her process of healing her feelings toward her father. I found Kira’s description of her path engaging, and I increasingly appreciated the complexity of her healing journey. Although Kira’s relationship with her father is central to her book, she also explores the impact of childhood trauma on her struggle to find meaningful adult relationships.
     “Kira presents in detail the therapeutic approaches she utilized on her path. She describes different approaches in enough detail that others might examine their reactions to her journey and cull out therapeutic paths with potential in their own healing. In the appendix to her book, Kira lists specific references for the multiple aspects of her healing, giving readers resources for their personal journeys.
     “As I am a therapist, I am delighted to recommend Kira’s book as a resource for those with complex relationships with and feelings toward an abusive parent. I would hope readers could feel validated in their struggle to manage wide ranging feelings toward that parent; a parent they may both long for and admire and at the same time detest or fear. I hold hope others will be inspired that they, too, and find a meaningful, connected life.”
—Nancy Berkowitz, PhD, IFS Certified Therapist

“Kira Freed’s deeply evocative memoir, Losing and Finding My Father, begins with “My father and I were not good friends.” Ensuing chapters take the reader on a fascinating journey as Kira describes with penetrating honesty her process of unraveling his powerful influence on her psyche. She takes the occasion of his death and dying to plumb the depths of her inner world. She explores the inner walls she created to survive his erratic and violent behavior and finds sources of trust and safety within herself. She transforms her relationships as she gains the wisdom to understand her father in all his complexity. The last words of the book describe her father as “a loving presence who will always be with me.” Her courageous commitment to healing her childhood wounds, her fierce determination to be her authentic self, and to finding compassion for all human frailties is an inspiration. I will recommend it to my clients who are following their own organic processes for healing.”

—Susan McConnell, IFS Senior Trainer